(adapted from a Facebook post I may or may not have actually posted March, 2020)
Anger and alcohol
So if my anger - which has been very low since I embraced my purpose in music 7 years ago, which I partly also attributed to alcohol - has returned when I’m not drinking alcohol, what am I doing wrong?
Extra sugar lately...check
Somewhat less sleep...check
Spread thin mentally (decompression is part of what I’ll use this week for in Adelaide️ after thinking it was going to be hard to be here when I just want to be back in Qld getting stuck into the next phase)
...which brings me to:
Not assigning value to rest...check
And technology/living arrangement/physical provisions falling short
This is where the parity comes in. I speak often about how I don’t put myself to bed properly. I procrastinate for sometimes days: brushing my teeth and switching off the light, having a shower, putting on clean clothes.
I prattle on about how I can’t do this and that because that and this. And I just need a something-or-other.
I don’t send invoices on time. Therefore I don’t get paid on time (I don’t care about it either).
I’ll say I don’t get up to brush my teeth because: “oh I’m at a backpacker’s hostel and it’s such a long way down the hall, and if I was in a hotel room or my own, prancing about in my underwear, it'd be different”... This (finally) is where the parity comes in
I realise I am THE SAME, ultimately, despite the situation. Sometimes I stay at places with rooms to myself to choose from, and I still sleep on the couch because I claim to love it AND I DO but it’s also partly a result of the trigger remnants from a nasty relationship.
But really, I’ve done this for an even longer time than that. Before that happened I was falling asleep with the light on and furry teeth in my family home after my teenage years. (I think?)
I realise tonight that my procrastination, my self-sabotage if you want to call it that, my avoidance behaviour - just like temptation and distraction - are there all the time. And have been.
I have to make big changes
I have to choose life, just like I choose language.
I have to choose my focus.
I have to choose to make decisions.
Even today, I was in limbo for many hours between not deciding to buy the cheapest room that was available and them selling out because it’s a long weekend in Adelaide, and almost missing out on anything I could afford at all except I walked out of the building I was in and asked the question of a human, the kind man behind the desk at Shingo’s, who was booked out but recommended several other places to me including one which had a spot available at the equivalent lowest rate in Adelaide.
Most of this that I’ve described, is not describable as ‘going out in faith’. Most of this is like Abraham, where I thought it must be done in my strength and I put off making the decisions in my strength and ran things out and then my strength (resources) were not even useful, usable or valid.
It’s great to be reminded that though, that we are so tiny. My brother reminded me once “who are we to think that we can get in the way of God’s plan?” when I thought I might be obscuring The Almighty from his workings on another.
Indeed, what makes me think God would give me a role or an answer that I couldn’t match, or that I would make inaccessible, unachievable or impossible by my own silly mistakes.
We can’t mess up bad enough that it destroys God’s plan for our life
Mind blowing, isn’t it.
Sometimes your mistake might be a very key part in the growth. Sometimes someone else’s will be.
But for goodness sake, let there be growth.
And a clean, healthy body is a start. I met a strange and fascinating gent once, called Josh, who was living in his car and writing a book and deeply spiritual who said something like a clean body is less likely to act unclean. When I feel physically dirty I CERTAINLY am inclined to care less about my teeth, my mental state, my compassion for others, my sanctity of spirit.
I would argue that sedation, along with dehydration and avoidable lethargy, are other forms of physical dirt.
Speaking of which: I feel itchy in this backpackers bed, so I’m going for a shower.
Pepper Jane from the Toowoomba is a recovering workaholic and (under usual circumstances) a touring musician. Pepper Jane was raised free range on a farm on the Darling Downs. Pepper Jane generally writes for the arts, entertainment, folk music magazines and brewing songs within her own flexible schedule. It is the Lord to whom her craft celebrates.