I’m only in my mid 30’s, but I have seen a solid quantity of conflict (some of which I have been a part of, most of which I have observed). From serious family conflicts, or workplace disagreements to petty fights because someone cut the supermarket line. Plus, I grew up in church, so there was always someone who didn't agree and happily made it known.
My personality allows me the propensity to be an observer. Often, I am happy to just watch rather than jump in. As a conflict observer, I’ve learned that the way one person responds often determines the way the other person responds. Ground-breaking I know!
When you are backed into a corner and facing potential conflict you have a choice. You can come out fighting or you can play smart, plan your response, and help turn the situation for good. Conflicts are often complicated and encountering conflict with friends or people who don’t know Jesus adds another level of complexity. Because, as Christians we always want to be people who live by example and point others to Jesus in all we do.
So how should you handle conflict with non-Christians?
Well, there are many ways to handle conflict, but here are 3 simple and practical ways to ensure you keep the friendship and allow for possible conversations about Jesus in the future…
3 simple approaches to resolve conflict:
1. Stop - Stop and think. What is the best approach? What do you really want to accomplish? Based on your time to reflect — how should you respond?
The opening moments are always critical in any conflict. You can quickly back someone or yourself into a corner. More often than not, cornered people move into self-protection mode, fail to react rationally, and the sense of what’s best is lost.
It requires practice but take adequate time to plan the best way to approach the other party. It may require you being silent when you are prone to speaking, but this one step often avoids most of the unnecessary and unproductive conflict.
2. Drop - Drop the right to win. That’s hard, but if you want the conflict to be resolved you must start with the attitude that you want the best resolution — even if you don’t get everything you want in the outcome.
When you come into a potential fiery situation with a have-to-win attitude you cloud your ability to work towards the best results. Being self-centred always gets in the way of healthy conflict. Be humble and agree that you are going to do what is best, even if that means you don’t get your way.
This doesn’t mean you give in to the other party, but the goal in conflict should not be to win personally, rather, to reach the best solution for everyone.
3. Roll - Roll out the best approach. Use the appropriate strategy, skills, and temperament to resolve the conflict. This means you hold your temper, watch your words, and value the other person’s viewpoint.
I understand it takes two or more people to make this happen, but when one party is willing to do the first two it makes reaching the best outcome so much more likely. Go into every potential conflict with a humble desire for the best solution to be accomplished.
Stop, drop and roll.
Reuben Skewes is an Australian pastor’s kid by birth, a graphic designer by trade and a husband and father by choice. He spent many years working with troubled teens, served as a pastor in his local church and currently is pioneering new ways to combine mission and technology to share Jesus.
