This article comes from a portion of the advice I was given before I got married. A doubtless flawed distillation of the sagely advice, but clarified into what you will hopefully find to be a potent and palatable read. Before continuing I should be clear that I have taken a fairly traditional and Christian interpretation of what marriage is and what vows are part of that. If you are reading from another perspective it may take some sideways-reading to find what you will apply.
Before I married, I was told by my Godfather that I would someday meet another woman who would be more suitable as a partner. This may sound odd, but his point was that I will feel tempted to leave my wife for someone else in my life, and unless I was prepared for this, I should not get married.
He hypothesised that most people meet twelve individuals who they could marry and have a good relationship with in their lifetime. The next often feels more suitable than the one before. As such, there is no special property of ‘this is the one’ that will ward off all feelings and desire to jump ship for the next one. Faithfulness has to be cultivated and in all likelihood, your faithfulness to your spouse will be tested.
I personally found what my Godfather had said to be a great comfort. I had secretly feared that I might one day be unlucky enough to meet a woman who would seem even more wonderful, and be irresistibly drawn away. Knowing that most people meet another who seems more suitable than their spouse proved to me that others have succeeded in being faithful despite the allure.
True forgiveness
So many couples I have known have stayed firmly with one another for their whole lives. They show that maintaining a healthy marriage is not merely a matter of luck, and success in being faithful is achievable even under difficult circumstances.
Even with these cases though, from all the reports I have heard, maintaining a marriage is hard. Another married man said to me that remembering five words could save a marriage. Those words were: “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you”. You will hurt each other in this kind of relationship. Being negligent of each other’s needs is perhaps the most common. Laziness, fatigue and desire for our own comfort strongly push against being caring, considerate and helpful.
It can take time to even recognise the pain caused, but be quick to ask for forgiveness. Likewise, forgiving restores more than I suspect any of us ever expect. It is truly powerful to forgive and can bring a liveliness back to a relationship that appeared to be dying only a moment before.
Comfort in marriage
From a Christian perspective, I think there is also another good reason for comfort. Marriage is only for a lifetime. You and your spouse will die, and when one of you does so, you have completed your promises to one another. On the one hand, you only have a lifetime to make the most of marriage. On the other, the commitment is limited and you don’t have to endure forever. Furthermore, eternal life with God is guaranteed to be so much better than anything you might have missed out on. You won’t feel cheated of anything worthwhile.
That last point is a great comfort to any Christian and is good to remember when jealousy or fear of missing out arises. If you, reader, are not a Christian I strongly recommend you consider whether you think God can uphold such a lofty promise.
Some exceptions
But now is the space for a caveat, I have been imploring faithfulness in marriage and for most readers I suspect this applies well to their situation. However, there may be cases in which this advice should not be applied directly. Abusive relationships exist and the right things to do in those cases can appear fairly contrary to forgiveness and faithfulness. Practicing faithfulness and forgiveness in that setting could even look like complete separation. So consider carefully if what I have written above is what applies to you.
Some poets make the force of attraction in love sound unstoppable. It makes staying faithful seem impossible, but this is not so. Many before have been faced with the choice to leave their spouse for someone who seems more suitable, yet many have remained faithful. I suspect they succeeded by nurturing their faithfulness, growing robust in their love by practicing forgiveness.
As I understand it, no one has to keep their marriage vows forever, only for a lifetime. Doing your best the whole way can seem a bit easier knowing that there is an end. And if Christianity is correct, you have an even greater eternity left to live.
Alexander Gillespie is an Arts Honours graduate of the University of Sydney. Particular fields of interest include Nineteenth-Century migration history, conceptual philosophy, social policy and ecclesiology. He currently lives in Sydney with his wife and enjoys researching and writing.
Alexander Gillespie is an Arts Honours graduate of the University of Sydney. Particular fields of interest include Nineteenth-Century migration history, conceptual philosophy, social policy and ecclesiology. He currently lives in Sydney with his wife and enjoys researching and writing.
