I want to talk about sex. This is very different to the usual topics I write about, but after asking both my Christian and non-Christian friends what they would like me to write about, one of the biggest responses was around sex.
I cannot understand the preoccupation with sex in the modern church. From an early age, and especially during my youth, 'sexual sin' was deemed to be an extraordinarily great depravity against God and there was much emphasis put on becoming clean and pure before the Lord. I was told that sex outside of marriage was bad, but beyond that there was, and still is, little mentoring for young, unmarried Christians in navigating their sexuality.
Sex in itself is not the interest for me here, rather the way that is has been turned into something that can make people feel incredibly guilty and distant from God. Aware that some of the things I am about to say may make me sound like a heretic, I will lay out my disclaimer: I truly believe sex was created to be a beautiful, intimate act between two people who love each-other and have committed to spending the rest of their lives together through mutual servant-hood. It is a gift that I am thankful to have and that which I can one day share with my future husband.
But (you saw this coming) here's the thing; there are much worse things that can go wrong in a relationship than having sex before marriage. One of those things, I believe, is actually the absence of discussion around sex and intimacy inside a loving committed relationship. The more we repress our sexuality and desire for physical intimacy with the person we love, the more likely we are to push the boundaries and suffer the consequences of self-inflicted guilt when we go too far.
You may not be having sex, but are you spiritually building one another up and challenging each-other to be more like Christ? Are you intentionally keeping God in the centre of your relationship and seeking mentoring from other married couples on a similar life path to you? Do you know the weaknesses and inner struggles of your partner? Can you be emotionally vulnerable with one-another and learn how to join them in their sufferings as well as their joy?
Judgment
It saddens me to see how people have been marginalised from the church because of their practices around sex or sexuality. Jesus told us that if we are judging someone for their 'sin' we are also sinning ourselves. Every time we judge someone we are waging war against love. The church needs to remember that everything we do or say must be tested through the two greatest commandments given by Christ as Lord – love God and love your neighbour as yourself. Both Jesus and Paul are significantly repetitive in scripture about the consequence of judgement (which is arguably articulated to be worse than the consequence of sex outside of marriage!). But the take-home point here is that the worst thing we can do as Christians is to judge someone, or in any way make them feel guilty, for what they have done.
Guilt certainly doesn't come from God yet it is this very thing that separates people from Him. It is not that they have had sex, or that they have gone 'too far', that creates distance between man and God. God never leaves us and His mercy is new every morning. Rather, it is the pressure that comes from society and traditional Christian thinking that condemns and eventually sends people running from the church and running from a loving God. Let us not be a part of that heritage but start a new revolution of love in the same way that Christ did!
No sex before marriage
Jesus loves sex! He blessed us with this gift to deepen our intimacy and love for our partner, but sex is not the only way He enables us to do so. Jesus was radical in His teaching on forming an intimate relationship between just one man and one woman. This was at a time when polygamy, a man with multiple wives, was condoned by many religious folk.
But I believe if Jesus were to be in the flesh among us today, He would still be preaching the same old thing. The way that we often go from relationship to relationship in a 'try before we buy' type model can be just as damaging as getting sexually involved with someone outside of marriage. When we emotionally and spiritually invest into someone, and they into us, we acquire the power to hurt one another immensely. Jesus wants us to keep our hearts guarded and pure, spiritually as well as sexually.
Even if we are not having sex, I believe that Gods ideal for us is not to be 'trying' people out for size emotionally and spiritually, but to be starting a journey with someone who we will spend the rest of our lives with. God created us as sexual beings and He knows that it doesn't just kick in the second we are married. Whether we are single or in a relationship, it is healthy to be able to talk about our sexual desires and to understand that God wants to be a part of that because He longs to be a part of everything we do and everything we are.
If we make a commitment to remain abstinent until marriage, we should do so out of love, not by rules or guilt because these things will only separate us from God instead of bringing us closer to Him. In the meantime, the best way we can honour God is by working on ourselves in becoming the best servant we can be, both to God and our future spouses.
The great 'sexual sin'
I have often struggled with why sexual immorality is focused on so much in the church. I remember at youth group having opportunities to repent and renounce our sexual sin. Of course this can be a good thing to do if we feel God speaking into this area of our lives. Yet I always wonder why we never had the same opportunity to renounce our pride, greed or gluttony?
I understand the significant impact that sex can have on people, especially if they carry around regret or guilt attached to it. But there are many other things that can take control of our lives and things that can compromise our relationships with God and with each other. Some of these things aren't often addressed, however, perhaps because sex is still regarded as taboo and therefore a dirty backroom secret that we need to warn everyone about.
One source claims that the New Testament records 298 suggestions, recommendations and instructions by Jesus on how we should live. He is recorded as mentioning sexual behaviour only about 4 times. And never did He say that it was the most deadly of sins, like some of our bible-bashing friends try to make us believe. In fact, it doesn't even come close. Jesus built relationships with prostitutes and challenged the religious self-righteous observers to cast the first stone if they had never sinned.
He didn't mention sexual immorality, He simply said sin. Because the only sin Christ places on a pedestal is judgment. Through Jesus, we are confronted with a God who demonstrates nothing other than true love. Anything that departs from love, is departing from God. If we want to follow this God of sacrificial love we may have to free ourselves from the religious and societal chains that bind us. One of these chains is the way in which the church has understood and taught on sex and sexual immorality. Having sex outside of the marriage bed may not be the way God intended it to be used, but it is no greater a sin than anything else which may cause us to feel guilty and distant from God.
All about the love
Being a Christian is all about the love. Love that is demonstrated through Christ the slain Lamb, and love that we share with one another. Sex is an awesome part of our spirituality and just like everything else we must view it through the lens of sacrificial love. Sex is something God has gifted us and we have freedom in how we use that gift.
He will not condemn us or banish us if we screw it up, but He loves us and wants us to live in a way that keeps our hearts safe and secure. If we make the decision to save our physical intimacy for the one person we want to make a life-long commitment to (which I think is an awesome decision) we should still be open about our desires, struggles and fears. God wants to meet us in these, whatever they are. He also wants the Church, as a family of Christ-followers, to actually follow Christ.
This means leaving judgment at the door and embracing one another regardless of where we are on our journey as spiritual, emotional and sexual beings. Christ came to make love the fulfilment of the law, and so I pray that love will be at the center of our conversations whenever we talk about this beautiful topic of sex.
Bex Silver is originally from Auckland, New Zealand and has just returned home from living on the Thai-Burma border working with people displaced by war in Burma. She has a Masters in International Development and is passionate about advocating for social justice through her writing.
Bex Silver's previous articles may be viewed at http://www.pressserviceinternational.org/bex-silver.html