I began my 26th year with an invitation from the Lord to grow in trusting Him. I have always been intimidated by this because it simply meant that I could not just continue doing what made me comfortable. I had obviously grown in degrees of trust since becoming a Christian but this invitation from the Lord felt weightier. Nevertheless, I began this year enthused about its possibilities and changes, having a preconceived idea of what this trust journey would look like. Spoiler alert: I was extremely wrong. I had conditioned my mind to a false posture of trusting the Lord because I felt like the quicker I did this, the quicker I would see the resulting blessings. Again, just to underscore this point, I was extremely wrong.
The weapon He selected from His arsenal was one the Apostle Paul was quite acquainted with; weakness. In 2 Corinthians chapter 12 verse 9 the Lord responds to Paul’s beseeching for the removal of a thorn in his flesh by saying “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” I generally consider myself a pretty “strong” and “grounded” person and I’ve also been described this way by others. I guess it got to a point where it felt so much of an identifier that weakness and frailty were nauseating to me. That might sound a bit extreme, but I assume that is what self-produced strength would cause; pride rooted in the false notion that you are somehow sustaining yourself.
A series of events have led me to the weakest point I have been in all my life and somehow it feels like it is exactly where I am supposed to be. It is almost as if my tear ducts have finally found their function and my brain has decreased in rationality and things that were easy fixes in my heart are having deeper effects. These experiences though have not been occurring without grace and God’s kindness being very present. But this season has been me repeatedly meeting my own weaknesses, while God is building in me a superstructure of trust in Him, because I am daily reminded of my need of Him.
For God to do all He wants to do in me I’m coming to realize He needed less of my opinions on matters concerning my life and more of my trust. Less talking and more clinging. The image I get when I read 2 Corinthians chapter 12 verse 9 is one that’s a little humorous to me but it solidifies the point in my mind. I don’t swim very well now and that skill was even more undeveloped in my early teens. I met upon a little predicament and thought I was going to drown, my mom attempted to help me but because of fright and adrenaline I became super strong thus becoming a menace to my own rescue. I realized after a while that my strength was not what would have saved me, but it was relinquishing my efforts to someone stronger, who had way more skill. God’s power operates at its maximum potential when we realize our selfish efforts are counterproductive to His plans. I am growing in my appreciation of how people of old would be able to rejoice in weakness and struggles, and I think it is because they were reminded of the true hero in their stories.
As I am growing in becoming poor in spirit and daily recognizing my need for Him to be my very present help, He has not been hanging my depravity over my head. Instead, my need is met with grace and an invitation to learn of Him. He has consistently been there when I decide to emerge from wallowing and has proven to be a stable refuge. I started out this journey of trusting thinking I knew what He wanted to achieve but it is now that I see the blessedness of this journey and that the reward is truly friendship with Him.
Jhonelle is a Jesus enthusiast and Christian youth leader. She’s a lover of all things related to discipleship and a freelance writer.