I was in worship on my knees the other day in such a place of brokenness before God when he showed me something. With my spiritual eyes open and my physical eyes shut, I saw God lead me down some steps from a courtyard into a concealed area - a garden, that I didn’t know was there.
Light was flooding this place and instantly I saw roses. Beautiful roses of red or pink. There was at least 12 of these roses and Jesus started speaking into my heart, “This is where your real life and heart is – a place of true beauty – for what I am cultivating in you is meaningful and gives off a heavenly fragrance. After all, I promised you beauty from your ashes.”
This encouraged my heart, seeing such a vivid picture of my inner life and walk with God. That it was worth it, following and loving God -- and that God WAS still birthing new life and releasing beauty as I tried to trust Him. When the reality in the natural realm of everyday life was that my heart was torn and needed some real healing.
The last two months
Why was I broken? Well after seven years of waiting my husband and I thought we were finally pregnant, only to find out that I was not. It was devastating and shocking as my body had gone through many pregnancy symptoms, leaving us sure that God had come through for us and the time had come for his promise to be fulfilled.
Oh how my faith was tested. Oh how my heart ached. How I felt angry, sad and even betrayed by my best friend, Jesus. How horrible and hard it is when you feel that Jesus has let you down – and the place that you usually run to – into his arms – is the one place you don’t feel you can go.
Well that was where I was – in the seemingly hopeless place of being broken and not understanding and wanting to run away or give up on my dreams. This world is still a fallen and imperfect world. Things don’t always go to plan. I was finding that sometimes you can hope and hope and have faith to move mountains, but sometimes life still gives you crappy lemons. For the first time in a long time I was not sure I could see or understand how God still loved me.
The worst part was that I felt God wanted me to let go of the baby dream to him again, when he was the one who gave me the yearning desire in the first place! I found myself angry at God and shouting at him –– I felt it was cruel to give me the desires if he was not going to fulfil them.
A new perspective
But that was before the slow turning and transformation of the last few weeks which Jesus and only Jesus could have done in me. I was so angry and then I was bitter and I simply could not at all have understood or seen what Yahweh wanted to do in me and for me through this. We can rarely see during a trial what God is wanting to lovingly teach us or show us.
Through this trial I have realised I needed to get back to Jesus – just Jesus – nothing else attached, no other blessings expected from his hand – but just simply got back to loving him. I might not have all my ducks in a row or things working out, but you know I found a peace in ‘loving God with my whole heart, mind, soul and strength’ Luke chapter 10 verse 27.
I have rediscovered that all good things flow from him and flow out of our love for and with him. All passion, all joy, all peace, all contentment, all love and every gift of ministry. I have felt a stirring of old dreams and a shift of focus in my heart. Suffering can make us self-absorbed and I can feel God expanding my vision and focus once more to be about others, the Kingdom of God and what is on my Papa God’s heart right now.
In amongst the painful processing of the heart (which is normal and healthy and needed) I have experienced God’s grace almost daily. First, I had my pastor’s wife call me to encourage me, which was powerful because she has walked the same journey and is still childless but full of joy for Jesus and has found fulfilment and peace in Jesus alone.
Secondly, I found a book called, ‘Empty womb, aching heart’; full of stories by women and men and how they found God’s grace and hope in the midst of fertility brokenness. Wow! That one spoke to me and helped me process all my heavy and big emotions and questions.
It was so relatable and real that only a loving heavenly father could have placed that book in front of me to help me. Every day it seemed to get easier and soon I found myself before God pouring out my heart to him, crying, singing, asking for forgiveness and asking for him to give me a new love towards him, no matter what I was going through. I didn’t want anything to block what I had with God so I came before him with my heavy heart and poured it out because, well, God has big shoulders and can handle it.
When we finally die and let go of all we were desperately holding onto and even striving to make happen, he is able to expand in us. For there is more room for Jesus and his heart when our stuff is out of the way. I have not died in all areas yet, just being honest – but lately I gave over and died to this area of desiring to have children and start a family.
Was it painful and hard to give over? Absolutely. But what has come in that area has been the feelings of relief – that I no longer have to feel desperate and try to make things happen and hold onto that sorrow each day – but that its finally in His hands. I can finally have peace and I am finally free. There is more room in me now for joy and to flow in the holy spirit for what is on his heart and to follow God into my call of worship singing and prophetic psalming.
So much joy has come back into my marriage since we both gave our desire for children to Jesus. Joy, fun, romance, laughter, new plans and goals and an ‘enjoying the now’ have come back which I’m sure is what God intended for us when he asked us to let it go. I have a long way to go still but for this moment I am celebrating my new Jesus perspective and my encounters with God’s daily grace.
Liana is a creative soul living on the South Coast of Adelaide working as a Personal Assistant and Nanny, using her spare time to sit in God’s presence, write songs, and intercede for things on Gods heart through spontaneous songs. Married to a trained minister and Holy Spirit led artist Justin, they hope to one day open up a creative arts ministry & revival centre in South Australia.