I decided to follow Jesus and call myself a Christian when I was 17. It changed my life. It changed the path I was heading down. However, for four years I lived in two worlds. The world of the church, youth group and doing what I thought was right. I prayed, I read, I listened and I grew close to God. The other world I lived in was still a very dark place where I hurt myself, hurt others and lived a lie.
And I loved both worlds equally. And I was determined to make it work.
During those four years I had dreams. Dreams where I sensed a relationship with God. Dreams where I was talking to God, sharing a language we both understood and a deep sense of relationship with our Creator.
During those four years I had nightmares. Dreams of death, of creatures, monsters and evil things attacking me and filling my mind with thoughts as I slept. I felt separated from the world and people around me. I was scared at times to go to sleep. I remember reading the words of a Lutheran pastor who recounted Martin Luther's encounter with the devil one night, and he reminded me to pray before bed each night, marking the sign of the cross on my forehead. I thank God for the respite that simple gesture gave me.
C.S Lewis knew what I would encounter when he said, 'When a man is getting better he understands more clearly the evil that's left in him. When a man is getting worse, he understands his own badness less and less.'
I had to change. I had to leave where I was physically, emotionally and spiritually. I had to move far away from the town I loved, away from the town and lifestyle that was slowly destroying me and many relationships around me.
I had to make further decisions about Jesus. Either He was who He said He was, or I just needed to follow a church and its traditions. To be a good person and live a "clean and pure" life was about as lofty a goal I could imagine when finding God and where I was at during this time of my life.
Bono (lead singer of U2) believes Jesus doesn't let us "off the hook" though. Bono in an interview in 2013 said:
'The Scriptures don't let you off the hook so easily…When people say, you know, "Good teacher", "Prophet", "Really nice guy" [Hey! Even I had been called those things when I was at church doing the right thing!]…this is not how Jesus thought of Himself. So you're left with a challenge in that, which is either Jesus was who he said he was or a complete and utter nut case…You have to make a choice on that.'
The world changed because of this man called Jesus. The world changed that day He was nailed to a cross. The things done and said in His name have changed the world forever. There have been plenty of rotten things done in His name that have often left me bewildered and confused. But there have been many lives touched and transformed by this very man.
The first school principal I worked for challenged me early in my teaching career by asking me, "Russell, if you believe Jesus lived, died and rose again, what are you going to do about it?" It matters to me what happened 2000 years ago on that cross. Does it matter to you?
Russell Modlin teaches Physical Education at a Christian School on the Sunshine Coast. He is married to Belinda and they have three children.
Russell Modlin's archive of previous article can be found at www.pressserviceinternational.org/russell-modlin.html
