Sometimes I feel like I'm that first cover on a bed underneath all the heavy winter layers of duvet. Sometimes I feel like that book at the very bottom of all the other oh-my-goodness-I-really-must-start-reading's, that rotting potato squashed deep inside the sack, or that dirty sock hiding under all the other basket full of laundry to be done on Sunday.
As all my jammed to-do's and crammed must-meet's pile themselves on top of one another, I often feel helpless at the very bottom of them all.
I've tried planners and schedulers, diaries and sticky notes; but my forever-distracted and wonderfully wandering mind too often works hand in hand with my severely habitual procrastination. So, I really should not be blaming ‘a busy life’.
I'm sure many are much more burdened with but are far more successfully getting through. It's just my amazing organising skills that create such a firework of chaos.
But amongst all my to-do's there always exists ‘Prayer and Meditation of the Word’. Because I am too tired, too busy, too distracted or even too hungry, I would too often shuffle the order of my priorities. But the Bible is clear on how a life missing the true fountain only brings ever-unquenched thirst.
Time and time again, our gracious God brings me into His wings, where silence can be enjoyed – away from my wild mind and day.
About a month ago, I was once again mercifully brought into this true peace. I was reminded that without God, there is no life. That there is no point in crossing off my list of to-do's if my main goal is not glorifying my Saviour.
So, with such a great wake-up call, I was drawn to promise God that I would do my utmost best in starting and ending the day with Him. Not with my phone or my tasks, but with His Word. I was glad I was finally putting God above all my chores. I made sure even if the day I had spent was literally packed, I would never fall asleep without at least a short prayer.
Mixture of awry emotions
But I knew something was off. Even though ‘prayer and meditation’ stayed firmly as no. 1 in my to-do list and was being ticked off daily, I felt something wasn't quite right.
Having spent another rough day, I sighed as I kneeled down one night, too late to even call it ‘bedtime’. I was beat and ready to sleep like a log, but I still had prayer to cross off, so there I was.
But as I soon as I spoke out "Father God...", it hit me. Why did I just let out a sigh? Having refreshed by God only a month ago, I was the happiest person, determined to live for Christ.
...or so I thought. The truth was that I was so focused in ticking my list off, I had gradually forgotten the greatest part of my relationship with Him: joy.
A big drop of ‘guilt’, few more of ‘obligation’ and too much of ‘determination’ – this mixture of awry emotions was what felt so wrong. I had treated God as a task to cross off.
Glorify and enjoy
My flesh is still worldly and thus needs to be disciplined, so sometimes I do have to pull myself into the cold water to wake up and act against what God does not want. However, my relationship with Him should never feel weighty. Because Jesus has already finished all my job and has saved me in pure grace, I have been granted the greatest gift of peace! – “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest…For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew chapter 11 verses 28-30)
As the Westminister’s Catechism clearly writes, “man’s chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy Him forever”. If I don’t enjoy Him now in this short life, how will I in Heaven where I will be with Him forever?
See, God speaks through the Bible, but He isn't just a book. We are told to give prayers, but we aren’t to end the conversation there. The moment we become Christians, we are literally Christians: we are to live for Him and His glory. But what glory will God take if everything we do is out of guilt, obligation and goal-driven determination?
So, as I open my Bible today, I find hidden gold and exclaim in joy. As I live out my day swept by tasks, I whisper underneath my breath for Him to guide me. I hope to fall deeper in love with Christ, so that like a man that has met the woman of his dreams, everything about my day becomes Him.
My prayer tonight will be just like how I had prayed that night – “Loving God, let me truly love you. Make the joy you promise of in your Words become a reality in my life. Let me truly enjoy You – talking to You, listening to You, living for You and with You, for I wish not to cross a single task off my to-do list without You in it.”
Let us quit ‘doing God’ and start enjoying Him.
Sunny is as a weak as a broken reed, a flickering candle. But Abba God shows His abundant mercy again and again by incredibly loving this hopeless being. Soli deo Gloria.