I have found out something this week. I will not tell you what it is – if I think about it too much, my head starts to swim and I fear that I might burst into silent, red-faced tears.
But I am getting there. It began with a message that knocked the stuffing out of me, combined with a gut-wrenching fear of not hearing, knowing or understanding things. I cried out in anger to God that I felt misled, betrayed and broken.
I did not bother to sugar-coat how I felt or what was on my mind. It was funny looking back on this moment now as I remember telling a friend of mine that God is not that intimidated or surprised by us – he knows us and what we are about to say.
I chuckle at this now because I had the "what does God think of me?" moment. In my blind fury and rage I did not consider whether I had praised God first. I let the anger just tumble out of me for a minute or two. The funniest bit of the whole night was when I had a bit of wine left in my bottle and I drank it, then and there – on a school night!
I felt God say something that made me laugh sooo hard; he said "okay when you decide that you are going to do something really bad – let me know! "That was astonishing. I laughed through the tears – and through the ears!
My notes - post the storm
I was not really sure how to write about this "thing" as it is intensely personal and whilst I love giving help to other people on things I am going through, there comes a moment when the personal is just that – personal. What I can say however is that I am learning a lot about myself at the moment.
Do not overshare. I have been found guilty of oversharing my life with people, in the hope that they would like me and want to journey with me in the things that I am walking through. This has now been shown to me as not the best strategy; not everyone has your best interests at heart.
Even more importantly not everyone needs to know! This hit me hard. I thought it was necessary for all people, even those I did not know that well to be shown that I was walking through something/journeying and journaling something. Not everyone will be interested in me to that extent. And that is okay.
I exist for God's glory and not my own. Since when did my life become all about me? I make a habit of speaking things over myself that I am hoping might come to pass. I have been unconsciously selfish for a lot of my life and it shows.
My expectations of friendship are small, because my expectations of myself are small – and why? I am a bit selfish sometimes. As much as I want to be "Christian" - I have been guilty of making my prayer life a bit of a shopping list. God when will you drop that ideal job/ideal man/ideal bank balance into my life?!
I seem to have missed the point of being Christian altogether in this moment; I exist to honour and bring glory to God. That is enough. When God gets verbage from me on what I want, I guess it is no wonder that sometimes he gently refuses until I understand the bigger picture.
I am allowed to cry. Being allowed to show anger in God's presence and share your deepest thoughts with God is a privilege that I take so lightly. I have to slow down as I write this – God is INTERESTED in my thought life and does care when I cry.
I felt him near me the first night I found out about the thing. He gave me this picture about how he was sitting by my hospital bed and looking at my face; waiting for me to wake up. I loved that and have held onto it. But when I jump out of my "bed" with a start and start punching and mauling Jesus because of the current situation I am in, I also am reminded about how he is 'man enough' to take my punches and my words which have painted my sky a very rich shade of purple.
I feel like I should hold back and then I am reminded of Job, Daniel, David and other guys that lived before me – all with a massive heart for God and yet also, with massive things going on in their world. I preach to others about honesty with God and yet when it comes to me I sometimes find it hard.
Reward – intimacy
The odd thing is that I find anger breeds intimacy with God. It should not and in many ways, is the opposite of what many would say is the right way to a deeper relationship with God.
But when I have allowed myself to feel frightened, afraid, asexual and alone, God has always come deep into my circumstances and held me closer than a brother ever could. I could live without the times that make me angry – but not without the times with God that come out of the anger.
Rosie Robinson resides in Manchester where, in between feeding herself coffee and bagels she works for an international financial services organisation. She attends a lively church called Audacious, enjoys reading, running and watching films and slowly discovering life with Jesus.
Rosie Robinson's previous articles may be viewed at http://www.pressserviceinternational.org/rosie-robinson.html